Mr. Poffenberger's New Job

"Congratulations, Mr. Poffenberger! You are officially the new musical director of the Backsville Symphony Orchestra!"

"What an honor! I look forward to working with these talented musicians and the great performances that are in store!"

"I think you should know that they require a bit of...guidance."

"Of course. I plan to get the best out of them by rehearsing as much as possible and pushing them to the limits of their capabilities!"

"That's not what I meant. Some of them aren't quite as proficient as the last orchestra you worked with."

"But certainly they have potential, or they wouldn't have passed the auditions."

"There were no auditions. We accepted anyone who showed the remotest interest in joining."

"What? Well they at least have some experience, don't they?"

"Oh, sure."

"How much?"

"The best of them are pretty experienced. At the very least, they all lasted through a full year of lessons in their childhood."

"Have they played since then?"

"Sure, on and off."

"They can read music, can't they?"

"The good ones can, but many have let their abilities lapse."

"So how are they supposed to learn a new piece?"

"That's for you to figure out, Mr. Poffenberger."

"Can they play by ear?"

"Oh, heavens, no. That's way above their level."

"I suppose I'd better make my first priority evaluating their skill levels and bringing the lesser musicians up to par. These first few months are going to be intense!"

"You can't push them too hard, though. They won't like it."

"Being a musician is hard work. They're professionals. They should know what to expect."

"If you upset them though, they'll quit."

"You can't be serious. It's impossible to produce good music if the musicians aren't dedicated to their craft."

"Oh, you shouldn't be so negative. You were hired because we believe you can get the best out of people!"

"I'm not a miracle-worker though. No one can be a great musician, or even a good one, if he doesn't want to be."

"The bottom line is that this town needs you. We take a lot of pride in the fact that we have a real honest-to-goodness symphony orchestra!"

"Do they actually sound any good?"

"Well, I suppose they're not the best I've ever heard, but surely there are worse ones out there. The best ensemble members are certainly enjoyable."

"Can I get rid of the ones who can't play?"

"No, because then you'd be subjecting them to public humiliation, which would only make you the most hated man in town."

"(Sigh)...The first rehearsal is going to be interesting."

"Make sure it doesn't go too long, because then they'll get bored."

"Bored?"

"Yeah, we wanted you to add some fun to the orchestra."

"I'll do what I can to make it enjoyable, but I'm a musician first and foremost, so my main priority is to conduct a beautiful symphony."

"Just make sure they don't quit."

"It sounds like the primary goal here is to maintain the existence of the orchestra."

"Yes! You seem to understand quite well, Mr. Poffenberger!"

"You realize this is just one big recipe for mediocrity, right?"

"But it gives the locals pride!"

"You'd better hope they never happen to hear a real symphony orchestra, because it would only underscore what a fraud this one is."

"Mr. Poffenberger! Don't have that attitude! The musicians can tell when you're angry, and they'll quit if they think you don't like them!"

"So you basically just want me to babysit these folks who call themselves an orchestra and not give too much thought about how well they play?"

"Well, we do expect you to put on a good performance for the people who come to the Backsville Concert Hall."

"If these musicians are barely competent, uncommitted to their playing and have no motivation to get better, I don't know how a good performance is possible."

"Like I said, Mr. Poffenberger, that's for you to figure out."